Yes, I’m still breathing! Life has a way of knocking the breath out of you at times. I’ve been hesitant to write about a lot of what happened to me over the years because shame also has a way of kicking you in the gut. However, now I am ready to share some of my story that has been locked inside.
Recently I heard a song entitled “Breathing” by Pamela Knowles. This song moved and touched me deeply (link below). In a previous relationship, I dealt with domestic violence. It wasn’t physical except for the walls, doors and other parts of the house and sometimes objects inside the house. Instead if was verbal, religious, financial and emotional abuse to name a few. Until I was confronted by a friend and a guest on one of my podcasts, I didn’t and couldn’t see it as domestic violence. I’ve come to realize there are a lot a different ways domestic violence can show up in a relationship.
Now that I am not ashamed to talk about it, I want to share why this song so resonated with me. A few of the lyrics:
“I’ve had my soul torn into pieces
Had days I could barely stand
Carry the weight of the whole damn world
In these two trembling hands
Some wounds don’t kill you
They just change the way you speak
And somewhere down in the wreckage
I found the woman in me
I’m still breathing
Yeah, I’m still standing here
When the whole world turned to shadows
I faced every fear”
I had many days I didn’t think I could stand let alone walk. Emotional pain can do that to a person and I experienced it. My world was heavy and I was tired. The line about “some wounds don’t kill you, they just change the way you speak” is powerful for me. The way I speak now is not only different but radically different. I am no longer silenced about what I went through and no long living as a victim but as a victor. I don’t have it all figured out at this point, but the more I let go of the past and the pain, the stronger my voice gets.
Literally, “somewhere down in the wreckage, I found the woman in me”. She had cowered long enough and feeling sorry for herself. That is no longer an option for me. I’m still breathing and as long as I have breath, I will use my voice to help others gain their freedom. Freedom is one of my core values.
Free to breathe.
Free to speak.
Free to feel.
Free to be me, the real me that was stifled and held back. Don’t get me wrong. I take full responsibility for my decisions but I do not take the blame for what happened to me. A few more lines:
“I’m still breathing, stronger than I’ve ever been
From the ashes of the broken, I rose up again
No, they’ll never put out this fire I’m still breathing.”
It took years for me to see and believe in the me that I have become and am becoming. No anger. I dealt with that and yes, I was livid for a long time but that only hurt me more deeply. With encouragement from others, I rose up again and have that fire that the song speaks of.
“Oh, I know the cold of empty rooms
And nights with nowhere left to go
I know what it means to lose yourself
In a life you used to know
The scars can teach you how to rise
If tears can teach you how to see
When a woman hits the bottom
She becomes who she’s meant to be. “
I’ve felt the loss of myself through so much and loss of a life I thought I knew. I hit the bottom through it all and yet I found the real me there. I would never want to go through it again. The times I hid in a dark closet to try to find some peace. The tears did teach me how to see. If I can encourage anyone with anything, may I say, you too can rise up and be free and be the person, woman or man, you are meant to be.
Don’t let your circumstances define or limit you. Looking back, I have said many times that I don’t know how I lived through it but I did live through it. Now I’m here to help others get through theirs also.
Wrapping it up for now,
“And I came back stronger still
Every crack became a window
Every wound became my will
I’m still breathing
Still breathing
Yeah, I’m still here”